Porcelain
by Missus Ann
Summary: I promised myself that even as a destroyer, I would be a destroyer that saves. I don't have a purpose anymore, do I? ...Yes. I do. Yuu. He's with me. He's all I need. And even if it leads me nowhere, I'll keep walking. Just keep walking.. Don't give up.


:Porcelain:

There was never a time that I woke up and didn't wish I was still an exorcist. Nowadays, the only thing other than that wish that I wake up to is the smell of cigars or wine, depending on who I'm with. The previous night's cigars – their's, I wouldn't even touch the damned things – and the wine that was drank so whoever I was with could "have their way" with me. Though that only happened on the nights I was with one of them. The other nights would be spent wishing I were with them; nothing was worse than me alone with my thoughts. Then again, the same could be said about when I'm with them. Regret and other lingering feelings were kept inside. Fake smiles. The only one that genuinely cared about me was Tyki. But he was afraid to let me go. Using a well-developed mask was the only thing I could do, even though he saw through it perfectly. To the rest I must have seemed like a broken plaything. The only thing left to come from my mouth was the repetitive whimpering. Though he knew that was because I was thinking about my old comrades. Lost comrades. Missing comrades. And I couldn't leave them, either. Escapes: none. As of now.

December 25,

I've just been informed that they're making me marry. I don't want to. Tyki's nice, but I can not forget the smiling face... okay, smirking face Yuu Kanda. Even though we spent half our time arguing over the stupidest things, he was still the one I loved. In his movements there was always a feeling of elegance, no matter how rough he was. The smirk that came to him with the pleasure of calling me that stupid nickname he gave me – Beansprout – was one of the many features that won me over. Something that can't change is the way I love him. There is far too much emotion in that, and no matter what anyone does, I won't forget him. I remember one time they tried to make me forget with some sort of... device. They were trying to get me to contract amnesia, but I wouldn't have it. I started thrashing about, and it was then that Tyki demanded they stop the experiments on me. He had to come in and hold me down, otherwise he would have had to "dispose" of me. All because I didn't want to lose him. I didn't care if they "disposed" of me, though. Ha... I'm lying to my own diary. What I said was only half the truth. I wanted, and want to survive, if only for him. But... I don't want to be with them. I don't want to... Don't make me...

December 25,

Our wedding date has been set. December 28. I am to be seeing someone who can help me get measurements for a dress tomorrow. I told Tyki that I don't want to. I told him that even though he loves me, I cannot love him back. I told him that no matter how kind he was, he could not replace Kanda. And the late-night sessions of rape with his various family members... he ordered those to stop. You thought it was Tyki? Wait. Why? Didn't you read my countless rambling about how he actually cared about me? But I'm glad they're stopping. I'm so glad that I don't have to go through that anymore; I think that would ruin the whole "marriage" thing, anyway... Because when they say "sharing is caring", I don't think they meant in this aspect.

Rhode came to talk to me today. She wanted to make sure I was going to be alright. She was so much like Tyki. In fact, if she was a bit older, I would probably be marrying her, instead of Tyki. He's, what, almost thirty? I'm sixteen. Yes, I'm a lot closer to Rhode's than age than Tyki's, but Rhode was the Earl's daughter, and he cared a lot about Rhode – meaning he took feeling and youth into play – while he doesn't care about me. Almost at all. In fact, the only reason he's still bonding me to this place now that the experiments are over is probably so I can't tell the Order their secrets. I probably wouldn't, either way. If I go back now, I'll be different. I want them to survive, but I want want them to be evil. It's not fair that they would have to suffer for a life they were born into. It's not fair that they, the ones who weren't lucky, would get punished for that. Sure, they've killed a few hundred people through the Akuma, but that was mostly for the Earl. Even so, he's been a great host for someone that would normally be my enemy.

December 26,

I didn't get any sleep. Tyki snuck into my room to see if I was asleep, and when he found out I wasn't, he kept insisting he take me to the doctor. I don't want to go. He may think it's an illness, but he's wrong. Then again, he probably knows the real reason, but doesn't want to face up to it. He has to. Why can't he save me?

December 27,

The wedding was canceled. The Earl is planning an attack on the headquarters and I asked if I could go. I just want to his face again. I'm holding back tears. It burns in my throat and stings my eyes, but I don't want to cry with Rhode near. She might tell someone. Telling someone could be bad. Why? Well, they could take me to a doctor. I don't want them to see how scared I am. And I don't want them to find out that I plan to go with on the attack so that I can escape. I told Tyki. I can't explain how, just in case someone finds this journal before I'm out. Not that many people care about a nuisance like me; they'd rather not think about such a trivial "thing". I can't wait for freedom. I hope I remember it right.

December 28,

Huh... it seems like it's been such a long time since Christmas. Weird. Maybe it's because I hate being alone. Tyki's constantly out scheming with the Earl (though he's only helping with the attack plans so that we can finalize my escape plan. He's looking more and more worried lately. I don't think he wants me to leave. Then again, he's looking more and more tired, too. He looks like he spends hours a night trying to help me escape. Well, not really... trying to help me escape; right now it's the planning stage. Today I started hiding this diary in a different place. I also need to start acting different. I need to start acting like the transformation into the Fourteenth has already begun. At every mention of one of the exorcists' names, I have to spit out their name like they mean nothing to me...

That has been the hardest thing I've had to do. Ever. I've stopped saying Kanda's name. I can't say that with hate. Even when we used to "hate" each other, I couldn't say his name with full hatred. For awhile, I though nothing of it. I didn't even recognize the affection I had for him, until it became more obvious, that is. Somehow, I didn't really notice the way my day would always be better after hearing his beautiful voice. That accent, which so many people find annoying, is the cutest thing I have ever heard. And, even though I have always thought that, I never had, and probably never will have the courage to tell him.

We also got called into a meeting about the invasion. I was scared. What would have happened if I blurted out something about my escape plan? Thank the heavens that I didn't. He just wanted to run over the plan for when we invade. Three days until we attack.

December 30,

I slept all day yesterday. I'm a lot less scared. Okay, well, not a lot, but... at least now I'm not afraid of dying with every passing moment. Now I crave death, though. I want to be dead, but.... It'll be over soon anyway. Still, I can't help but think that this isn't going to end well. That for some reason, the timing is off. Something's going to go wrong. That can wait until later, though. For now, Tyki's going to make a pocket for this diary to go into, and another for Timcanpy. They're being installed on the inside of my jacket. They won't check there. We're going over the final details for the plan. After tomorrow, I'm free.

December 31,

As I'm writing this, it's dark. So very dark, and I can barely see my own two hands. The only way I can tell I'm still me is by feeling my left arm. I'll trace the cross over and over, repeating the phrase that my father had always told me. "_Keep on walking._" And, eventually, I'll pull my hands apart and pretend I'm somewhere else. Pretend I'm someone else. Tyki said his farewell already, and now I'm hiding in Kanda's room while they (the exorcists) fight off the Akuma. Tyki's making a decoy so the Noah will leave, and not come back. Making up some sort of... fake pain. If Tyki feels pain from here, they won't come back. I have to admit, I'll miss him. And that's why I stuck a note into his jacket.

"_Tyki,_

_While I know that you love me, I cannot love you back. But, you've found your way to a special place in my heart (of course, Kanda's place is bigger). Please, even if you're ordered to, spare Kanda. He's the only reason I'm willing to live. You want me to live, correct? Then don't touch him. I'll slip you some letters once in awhile. I hope one day we can work on the same side._

_Ex-Fourteenth,  
__or, Allen._"

I'll always remember that letter, and hopefully, we'll be able to write more letters back and forth. Maybe, we'll even be able to do it without the Order finding out. I'm just happy to be home...

January 1,

When I woke up, I thought I was dead. I forgot I was in the Order, and when I heard Kanda's voice, I thought I either went to heaven or was crazy. It turns out that I'm alive. So is Kanda.

_"Allen?" He called out, probably thinking he was delirious, or something of the sort._

_I looked up at him, tears spilling out of my overused, tired eyes. "I'm alive. I can't believe it. I'm with my precious Yuu again." I lay a hand – my left one, as he liked to make me feel that he loved that hand even with it's malformed self – on his head, and ran my rough fingers through his hair. The smooth feeling was something I had to make myself familiar with again. _

_"How do I know you're really my Bean?" I breathed in the scent of him, and looked at him, not even caring that he called me "Bean". I also didn't care that he asked how he knows it's really me; it's been such a long time since he last saw me. We went down to Hevleska, who assured him that I was, indeed, Allen Walker._

_We went back up to his room, and slowly, oh, how slow it was, people started noticing that I was back. Small conversations were had, and, eventually, I was alone with Kanda again. I kissed him, and he kissed back, and we talked, and laughed – well, I laughed, he chuckled – until at some unknown time, we fell asleep, cuddling, and having smiles on our faces. _

January 2,

We started off the day eating (I love how now, most everything is "we" instead of "I"), and seeing Lenalee and Lavi, who had just gotten back from a mission, apparently. Though, after we explained, they were fine with it. After awhile, Kanda – who had refused to leave me – pulled me out of the cafeteria, and back up to his room. He pulled out something from his closet, and took off the covering. It was the lotus. There was one, withering petal left. I looked at him, worried.

"_Allen, I want to spend my last few days with you,_" he said. I started bawling, and buried my face in his chest. I couldn't lose him. I _refuse_ to lose him. It's... simply not an option.

January 5,

Kanda's supposed to die today. I've been sick since he told me, and so he's been sleeping with me in the infirmary. They pushed our beds together when I refused to take my medicine unless I was with him. They told us we weren't allowed to do any... activities that would strain us, though we were too tired for those sorts of things anyway.

January 6,

Kanda's alive. And healthier than ever. They ran tests on both of us. It seems Kanda's curse had been broken. The reason I got so sick was because the Fourteenth was dying. He still is, actually. It hurts so bad. Do you know what it's like when you can feel a parasite – or so I call it – dying while inside of you? It's weird to feel it dying, and then remember how I won't die (well, we hope I won't, at least). Kanda's allowed to leave, and oddly enough, he doesn't want to. He says he's not leaving until he knows I'm safe. And that means until I get better, I guess. We've been just talking and laying together. Occasionally, I'll kiss him, and he'll kiss me, but... I'm too weak to actually move. I'm just glad he still loves me...

January 7,

This morning, when I woke up, I didn't know who I was. I knew that I loved Kanda, but, at the time, I couldn't remember why. That was sometime around three AM. I went back to sleep, and when I woke up, I remembered. I don't know why, but it seems that I'm emptier.

January 9,

You know that empty feeling? That was the aftermath of the Fourteenth dying.

Keep on walking.

Keep on walking.

Don't break; keep your plastered on emotions.

Tomorrow, Kanda and I are going on a mission together. At night, we're going to do... "it" for the first time since November; the time I was kidnapped.

I'm so happy.

I'm so scared.

January 10,

I'm writing while on the train. Kanda's asleep, resting his head on my shoulder. I'm afraid if he wakes up, he won't tell me, and instead he'll try to read over my shoulder. Then again, I shouldn't hide it, should I? I'm still scared. If he finds out what they did to me... he'll kill them. Rhode or Tyki never really harmed me, but he probably won't believe me if I say that. He knows of Tyki's infatuations with me. Then again, this diary is pretty much proof that he didn't hurt me. He helped me escape, right? Certainly, Kanda won't hold that against him...

January 10 (night),

We've safely arrived at our location. No sign of Akuma yet. Time to relax? Kanda – maybe I should start calling him Yuu again – as not dropped his guard but... he's still ready to relax with me. Kanda and I did our thing sooner than expected, too. I remember that clearly. The way I called his name, and oh, the way he called mine. We were both desperately in need for release. For each other's release. For each other.

_"Yuu," I called softly, waiting to see what he was going to do to me. He trailed kisses down my neck, and across my chest, then moved down. Vertical. Horizontal. Back to vertical. That was a nice pattern he had. Comforting, and unfamiliar to my skin at the moment. _

It's still tingling, even as I'm writing this. He does not know of the torturous ways that they would touch me. And the way I'd have to act for their pleasure. It still burns. Their qualities were like acid to me. And that was something that would not change. (By the way, Tyki and Rhode are not included in this "they" for this reason: they helped me.)

January 11,

Still no Akuma. I'm becoming suspicious. We've found the innocence, and have obtained it but we're still waiting to see if this is a trap.

January 12,

We had a little talk with Tyki today. Though, that was after Yuu has already read this diary... so... he didn't attack right away. Or at all, really.

_"Allen, Kanda," he called, and, of course, recognizing that voice, we both turned around. "If you're looking for the Akuma, there should be none. I've killed the Earl. He let me have what I wanted... but... it only caused the person I wanted distress, and pain." He chuckled here, and looked down with a disappointed face. "I figured the least I could do was kill the man that caused you all that pain, Allen... Especially after he planned on killing Kanda. I couldn't let him kill the one person that makes you happy." After a little silent moment, I decided to speak up._

_"So, the war's over? What of the other Noah?" I let my curiosity come out for a bit at that time._

_"Their memories have been killed. You're safe now, Allen. This is probably the last time I'll see you for awhile. Maybe I'll stop by the Order, but... not often. I'm going to find the rest of the dark matter and kill it off. Oh, and Allen?" After looking down at my feet with a worried face, I shifted my eyes up to him._

_"Please, have a good life with Kanda." I nodded gently, and then he left with Tease._

February 11,

It's been exactly a month since the war ended. I'm still ready to fight at any time. I don't feel like I did anything "worthy" of being a soldier of god. Even so, here I am. I promised myself that even as a destroyer, I would be a destroyer that saves. I don't think I broke it. But I didn't do that good a job, either... I don't have a purpose anymore, do I? ...Yes. I do. Yuu. He's with me. He's all I need. And even if it leads me nowhere, for him, and for Mana, I'll keep on walking. I'll drop the act and expose my porcelain-like interior. Don't give up. Just keep walking...

* * *

YOYOYOYOYOYOOOOO~ Ann here~ This hasn't been BETA'd yet, so please bare with the mistakes. D: And sorry if this isn't what you expected... but... eh, whatever. I'm tired, and I kind of liked this. I started this awhile ago, and I wrote most of this today and yesterday. And yes, I actually killed off characters. I swear, my mind is so twisted, yet people think I'm sweet, and innocent. Like I'm too cute to be tainted. I don't know, but... I'm still pretty homesick, so I used some of those feelings to write this...

Ann, signing off.


End file.
